For the first week after New Year, liberal progressive types responded to the orgy of rape and sexual molestation by Muslim immigrants in Cologne (and other European cities) by pretending it never happened. Now that the overwhelming weight of evidence has shown it definitely did happen, the bleeding hearts have been forced to change their tune. Here are the best excuses so far.

1. It was a false flag operation designed to discredit innocent lovely immigrants This theory was advanced on Twitter by Forbes contributor Frances Coppola (no relation: she’s an economist not a member of the movie dynasty). Her tweets are protected and it’s possible she has since withdrawn it. Too late:

This is your brain when you inject 4 #Feminism's https://t.co/WwFuI4dtbh pic.twitter.com/oW9qn93xZd

— WTFMag (@thewtfmagazine) January 7, 2016

2. You can’t talk about these things because it encourages the ‘Far Right’ LBC radio presenter Iain Dale was outraged. Properly outraged. More outraged than listeners had heard him be in some time. So outraged that LBC publicity felt compelled to release > video footage < of him getting worked up and almost stamping his little fists on the studio console as he gave both barrels to his guest interviewee Katie Hopkins. Was it the molestation of dozens of helpless young women by gangs of up to 1000 men that had stoked Iain’s ire? Was it the vicious and unapologetic misogyny so rampant among Muslims? Was it the extraordinary ingratitude of these men who’d been offered a refuge from war and persecution only to spit in the face of their hosts? Nah. Dale was far, far, far more upset about Katie’s allegedly inflammatory language – and the signals it might send out to the Far Right. Well done Iain! Virtue duly signalled.

3. Rape is only a ‘thing’ when white people do it

As ever Laurie Penny leads the pack here

So bored of racists who only pretend to care about women's rights when they see an opportunity to bash Muslims.

— Laurie Penny (@PennyRed) January 6, 2016

German feminists seem to agree with her. They remind me of the story told by a German friend whose aristocratic and very left-leaning aunt simply couldn’t wait for the moment in 1945 when her family estates would be overrun by advancing Soviet troops: to be gang-raped by good Communists would not be an ordeal but a pleasure.

4. Ooh look some cute kids! And they’re Syrian refugees!!!

Syrian immigrant children: aren’t they just adorable, those japesome little tykes? See how they throw snowballs at Serbian policemen in this actually dull-as-ditchwater footage that we have captioned “Syrian refugee children defeat a Serbian police officer in adorable snowball fight” in the rather desperate hope it might go viral. Doesn’t it make you feel SO much better about whatever it was – probably nothing – that happened in that place in Germany whose name eludes us?

5. Nothing to do with Islam. It’s because all men are rapists, obviously Dunno about you, fellow male readers, but my idea of a perfect New Year is to gather in a city centre with 999 or so of my bestest mates and see how many women we can grab, fondle and, ideally, sexually assault or rape. I make no apology for this. It is what we men do. All of us, pretty much all of the time because it is in our male nature. With our XY chromosomes that is what we are programmed to do: rape, rape, rape, all day and all night. We can’t stop ourselves. And that’s why – argues a young chap called Edward Siddons in the Independent newspaper – we men are in no position to condemn the behaviour of immigrants of North African or Middle Eastern origin.

In focussing on difference, in this case, racial or ethnic difference, we miss vital similarity. There is a common thread throughout these assaults and the vast majority of violence against women throughout the world. The perpetrators are men.

So true, Edward. We are all guilty! Nothing to do with Islam whatsoever.